unglamorous

homecomings are glamorous.
reintegration is not.

I have said it a thousand times and will say it a thousand times again, I wouldn't trade the opportunity we have to serve in the military for anything.

But seriously, sometimes I feel like the military gives me two black eyes and then comes right back to punch me in the face.  Yesterday = no bueno.  Disheartening news about Philip's leave, lack of accommodation/understanding from leadership (who has a frightening amount of power over my life), and just the overall jagged edges of transition.

It was not surprising.  I knew it was coming.

But, yeah. . . punched in the face.  It was bad.

I think that the world imagines that after a homecoming you wake up every morning and the world just looks like a wonderful amazing perfect place.  Notsomuch.  Today I woke up and it looked like an ugly, rainy NJ day.  Not going to lie. The alarm went off.  And while I was so grateful to wake up next to my husband, I was also feeling really sad and anxious following news we learned yesterday.  This is real life.  Or at least a glimpse of our life.  Not 365 days of honeymoonlike blissdom.  Just keeping it real. . . in case anyone is still under any illusion that we lead some version of enviable, glamorous existence here. . .

But I put one foot in front of the other.  Engaged and was grateful for the work the Lord has given my hand to do.  And by 5 o'clock, despite the rain, the world was feeling better than it had 24 hours previously.

After leaving the office, I suggested that Philip and I go out for post-work adult beverages.  And by adult beverages I mean a beer and a club soda w/ lime (I live dangerously. . .I know. . .).

And it turned out to be a marvelous evening.

We pondered how ironic it would be if our path in the AF would bring us to NJ rather than back to Europe in the near future.

We talked a lot about Afghanistan.

We laughed. (when you've been through the hell of war and are in the midst of the hell of coming back from war, a good dry/crass sense of humor is a really great/necessary thing. . . it's how we're managing to survive right now).

We talked about career stuff.  We've done a lot of that this deployment.  Our life has kind of been split in two:  before-December-27th and after-December-27th.  Our perspectives have changed a lot living in the "after."

As we were talking about the future of Afghanistan and changes going on in the military we were discussing what would happen if we were given the opportunity to volunteer to leave the AFPAK program and go back to the "regular Air Force."   I was somewhat shocked by (and so deeply proud of) Philip's response: absolutely not. If given the opportunity to walk away from another 365 day deployment, he wouldn't do it.

The man got home six days ago and isn't daunted about giving another year of his life to serve in what can only be described as a horrifying hell on earth.

Because he believes in what he's doing.  He knows he's made for this job.  He sees that this program has about as good of a chance as any to have an impact on the amazing people who call Afghanistan home.  But it's more than that. . .

Because the truth is Afghanistan is messy.  Middle Eastern affairs are complex.  And politics are dirty and ugly.

Philip explains,  "Whether AFG 'succeeds' or 'fails' isn't all that it's about. . . I didn't go completely to help the people. . . I mean I did. . . but I don't know. . . it goes back to the Gettysburg address: We can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

When it comes down to it, it's about good men willing to die for freedom.  Anywhere.  It's not so much about what war they fought or where they died.  It's about what they died for.  For me anyway. . ."

I'm married to this warrior.

Wow.

I'll raise my glass to that kind of character, selflessness, commitment, and valor any day.

Even if the glass is only filled w/ club soda.