settling into new spaces

I feel an absence of profound things to say today.  But that's okay.  Life lately has been about being present and appreciating the everyday.  Philip and I have started to settle into new spaces and routines.  It has been wonderful to reconnect w/ former colleagues and start to find my place within a new team at a group practice in Arlington as I've stepped into new platforms on a professional front. 

Philip is reveling the opportunity he has to be engaged in full-time academia for the year ahead.  He's been spending his days rubbing shoulders at Fort McNair with some big thinkers who are several pay grades above him who have more than once looked his way and asked, "what are you doing here son?"  He feels like he "snuck in."  Truthfully, he's earned his place at the table and belongs.  I'm bursting at the seems with pride. It's so interesting to think back on the dialogues we were having 12 months ago.  He'd have good enough internet connectivity that we could g-chat for 10 minutes or so a couple of times a week over my lunch break.  We were at a point of seriously considering if we should punch out of the military when he got home from the deployment and head to Boston for him to switch gears and delve into a different set of challenges @ Harvard Business School.  Due to some stuff that had gone down at that point in the deployment we were feeling a bit chewed up and spit out.  After Dave died Philip realized that there is no.other.job. in the world where the person working next to you would die for you and your family without hesitation.  True greater-love-has-no-one-than-this sacrifice.  So we're committed for the foreseeable future (likely at least another 13 years barring unforeseen circumstances. . .)   We continue to have lots of in depth, soul-searching discussions about some pretty divergent career trajectories he could take, and the months and year or two ahead will hold some pretty big decision about what the next decade or so of our military commitment will look like.

My degree was formally conferred on 8.31.14.  We made it.  The day it became official we were with some of our best friends in North Carolina.  (we had made a trip down to see them right before Philip deployed - so it was a rather appropriate bookend to make another trip down to spend Labor Day weekend with them).  The experience was a little like marriage --- nothing in the world can fully prepare you for how challenging it will be.  Would I do it again?  Absolutely.  (would Philip sign his name on the dotted line for the whole experience again?  um.  probably not.)  The truth is that we paid a very high price for the realization of this dream.  It took a toll relationally and emotionally.  But I recognize that I learned and grew in ways that really make me marvel.  I could not have received better training anywhere.  I'm convinced of it. Looking back there are things that I would have done differently.  A few critical junctures in the last 4 years that I would give just about anything to rewind and redo.  And I'll never fully understand why some things have unfolded the way that they have.  But that is one of the places where my faith really intersects with what is going on in my life.

One thing I wish I could have had throughout the experience is just a more settled sense that even when the odds were stacked against me for whatever the "next step" would be, things always worked out in remarkable way.  I saw the power of God's sovereign hand move in ways that truly were nothing short of miraculous.  Again and again.  I've recognized in the last weeks that there will always be "one more thing" in life.  I'm tired and weary of trying to predict, forecast, or exact control over something that is completely outside of my grasp.  Some of that is my stuff.  Some of that is the nature of the overwhelming lack of certainty and control that accompanies life in the military.  But right now, I'm really working hard to practice what I know cognitively is imperative for being in the healthiest space possible:  be fully present.  Trust that He who has been faithful ever.single.step. of my journey has the next step taken care of.  I don't have to even see the ground where my foot will land next; I just really need to trust that it will be there and that He won't let my foot slip or stumble.  He has not brought me this far for the rug to be pulled out from under me.  

These are big things.  This last week we've been confronted by more than one instance of very very painful, difficult news reaching people we love dearly.  Life is so messy.  And painful.  There are so many things and circumstances that I recognize that in this life I will never have a clear answer to "why?" or "how?"  So I must endeavor to continually rest in Who.

I recently did some writing on grief and loss. Something very much on my heart and mind as I reflect on this last year and continue to be surrounded by reminders in the recent days of the impact of these realities that become incorporated into the narratives of each of our lives as we move through time.  This week marking the one year anniversary of Liam's death, the sudden and unexpected death of a high school teacher, and the loss of a mother/grandmother of close family friends, in addition to another less tangible but equally painful experiences of loss for close friends have served as powerful reminders of the preciousness of what is immediately before us.