It's also fitting that I am writing this post on a day that has been one of the more emotionally trying days of the deployment thus far. These are the days where gratitude and perspective matters the most.
Philip took his final language test the first week of November, and the school chapter came to a close. The next weeks were filled by outprocessing. Working his way through endless checklists that needed to be cleared before he could leave the country. Lots and of appointments. Medical clearance appointments. Dentist appointments. Days on the range requalifying on different weapons. Accompanying me to many, many medical appointments. We checked the boxes. The grains of sand were slipping through our fingers. The final ones always seem to slide out even more rapidly than the rest that you had at one time had in your grasp. Yet somehow we were able to spend November very much in the moment. Most nights were spent together at home making the time count. What did that look like? Playing many many games of cribbage. Clocking lots of time in front of the fireplace. Watching Person of Interest. Laughing until we were crying. Dreaming of how sweet anticipating and planning for a White Christmas 2016 will be. Frequenting Chipotle. We did one-last-time dates to Rosa Mexicano and Fogo De Chao.
And there were the three very large batches of cookie dough that were consumed in the last three weeks that Philip was in the U.S. . . notevenjoking
It was a great month.
Philip had been wise in making the call that November would not be the best month to be doing cross-country travel, so we opted to stay local for Thanksgiving. I was so glad we did (especially given that he ended up rolling out on the Tuesday following the holiday). We were able to savor sweet time with friends who have become family to us. It actually was pretty special to think back to the Thanksgivings we've shared with M&J throughout our marriage. Our first Thanksgiving in the UK was spent with the two of them. We had all traveled together to Germany for what was a pretty unforgettable weekend. We spent Thanksgiving and The Day After (for traditional Turkey Taco Night) with M&J, their parents, and their siblings. My heart was just so full as I looked around, noting that I was as comfortable with their family as we are with our own. That's something that I recognize is rare and precious. It's not something I take for granted.
I knew deep in my heart this Thanksgiving that I have so much to be grateful for.
I know it on the days when all of the people who matter the most to me are at my side.
I also know it on the days like today. The really hard days. The days where there are tears. The days when things don't seem fair. The days when I don't fully understand.
My gratitude isn't contingent on my circumstances. On my proximity to people who help me feel safe and grounded. On my closeness to abundance, reassurance, or accomplishment. It just is. Because on the Thanksgivings and on the painful days, I am held the same - tightly in His grasp.
Today was not a fun day. I was thankful to have emerged unscathed from the blizzard that rocked the east coast this weekend. My power stayed on. I was safe and warm from start to finish. But today I was overwhelmed. I just wanted my husband. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted help with shoveling my stupid car out from 30 inches of snow. I was tired. I was not successful in not crying when I got to talk to Philip (which really feels so cruel because it just intensifies a horrible sense of helplessness he feels as he's living in a parallel universe of non-first-world problems). It was not pretty. However, I wiped my tears, dusted myself off, and asked for help. And help arrived. And then I got to call Philip back and let him know right before he was going to bed that I also had just found out that someone in our life had committed suicide.
These words have challenged me and offered me peace and solice this week: Strive to trust me in more and more areas of your life. Anything that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have hidden in the difficulties. If you believe that I am sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment--accepting things exactly as they are--and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances. Trust is like a staff you can lean on, as your journey uphilll with Me. If you are trusting in Me consistently, the staff will bear as much of your weight as needed. Lean on, trust, and be confident in Me with all your heart and mind.
Today was a steep, uphill day. But I will trust. And continue to be grateful beyond words.
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