recalculating, recalibrating, and reintegrating

When I think back on February 2017.  I hope I remember the sweetness of the sunshine.

I like my world toasty.

It has been unseasonably warm in Virginia in February.  So much so that the poor cherry blossoms have gotten pretty confused, so I suspect that there are a lot of people who make travel plans to come for the chaos that is the spring festival who are feeling a bit disappointed.  But I'll take it.

On President's Day, Philip enjoyed is government holiday and then came in to Arlington to meet me for an afternoon walkabout in Georgetown.  It was beautiful.


When I think back on February 2017, I will also likely remember the feelings.  The hard conversations that are a part of reintegrating following over a year of one person being in a combat zone and the other functioning as an independent agent.  The hard conversations that are a part of looking straight ahead at a year of dramatic life change.  I have so much gratitude that I have a partner and person who is willing and able to do hard conversations and do them really, really well.  It is still exhausting, but it's a gift.  It's a gift to know and understand how to not run from feelings and how to not shut down in the face of the intense affect of someone you love.  It's work.  And right now, it's some of the most important work in my life.

I would consider myself to be someone who has become a seasoned, veteran military spouse.  I can roll with the punches pretty well (and trust me, the government gives spouses two black eyes and sometimes knocks out a row of teeth with very little disregard or, at times, even a full understanding it's happening), but I'm realizing that as time goes on, as seasons of life and a family change - the battle changes. 

I was processing ALLOFTHEFEELINGS this week with a friend in regard to military, marriage, and managing two careers in a family (initially I typed "balance" in place of "managing" but the truth is I'm not sure "balance" is even a realistic goal).  I was sharing my gratitude for Philip being with me working through the midst of the hard.  Two important things surfaced:  a recognition that over the course of the previous decade there have been a lot of targets and timelienes that have shifted.  Expectations have fractured as we as individuals have evolved and desires and dreams have been discovered and taken shape.  Philip has sacrificed a tremendous amount for me to see some of my biggest dreams actualized.  Our sacrifices have and will continue to not be a static even split each day.  Some chapters we take turns giving more. 

One of the most impactful discussions we had coming out of premarital counseling was about the concept of submission.  It's a dirty word.  Even in Christian circles.  But the truth is to be fully secure in a relationship, mutual submission needs to be at the bedrock.  Our minister gave a definition that has been powerful in our life:  submission is being willing to place all of your best--your self, your resources, your talents, your everything---fully behind your spouse to support them becoming  and being their best.  Knowing that I'm walking this road with someone who is willing to sacrifice anything for me at any moment makes it so much easier for my heart to say "everything I've got, everything I am, it's at your feet,  I'm fully behind and willing/ready to do anything for you."