From one holiday to the next, I'm getting caught up here. . . success! This last weekend Philip and I had the opportunity to attend a marriage conference that was held here in D.C., and I have to say that it was just a really great opportunity to spend some time together in a protected space where there weren't so many other forces competing for our attention and energy. Nothing brand new or earth-shattering for us. It was just really nice to be reminded of the Truth that is at the foundation of our relationship, especially since we are Mr. & Mrs. in a world that is constantly confronting us with messages and pressures that plain and simple are a constant and consistent threat to unity and can subtly but very cunningly and effectively distract and begin to erode intimacy in a relationship. It was a great relational battery re-charge as we are coming off of the tumoult of the intensity of the internship process and really settling into spin-up mode for the looming separation. We know we've got an intense year awaiting us. This was a nice way to reconnect as we forge ahead and step into the "wild blue yonder."
I'd definitely recommend the conference. Take the time and invest in your marriage. You can't afford not to. (let's face it, marriage can be really reeeeally difficult - chocolates don't cut it)
On the commute this morning (I dropped Philip off at class before heading over to campus - sitting on the beltway is far less maddening in the passenger seat next to him!) Philip and I were listening to a really great message about the importance of purity in marriage. The speaker was challenging the misnomer that the idea (and incredible challenge) of sexual purity is no longer of importance after a couple says "I do." Again this goes back to the issue that this day in age our marriages exist in a milieu that seems to have a pretty vehement aversion to monogamy.
This got me thinking about a couple of things. . . first, something that has been on my mind lately is that CHALLENGE does not go away. Challenges merely change with the chapters of life we find ourselves in. We are naieve and foolish to fall into the trap of thinking. "Things will be so much better when
There have been many things that have had a deep impact on framing how I think about challenges in relationships and the journey of marriage. In honor of Overpriced Flowers Week, I thought I'd share a few with you. Most of them have really picked up in popularity since I had my first encounters with them as an undergrad, but I thought I'd share anyway.
Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs - I think it's human nature to to treat people how we would like to be treated with an expectation that people will in turn respond the way we ourselves would in similar circumstances. While the golden rule is nice in theory, this kind of thinking can create serious rifts in marriage - particularly as it relates to how men and women are wired. We live in a love-focused, love-saturated society. Everyone needs to be loved and accepted on a very basic level; however, in marriage women often are clueless that to men, respect trumps everything. Even the word "respect" may be making some of my readers' skin crawl right now because it has come to be linked with very skewed notions of submission, being subservient in a male-dominated society, weakness, inequality, etc. etc. Yet, a relationship will slowly (or not so slowly) suffocate if a man feels slighted, unvalued and disrespected. This book has done a tremendous job of laying out the differences between what females and males are wired to NEED to thrive in relationships. I learned that I can't treat Philip "how I want to be treated" and assume things will be okay. They won't. As much as I need to know that he cares about, will protect and provide for me, he needs to know that I truly admire what he does and the manner in which he does it.
Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arteburn, Fred Stoeker & Mike Yorkey. Every female alive should read this. I will never forget reading this book. I was at FLI [by the way, one of THE most transformative experiences of my young adult life -- my time at Focus was the best preparation for marriage I could have asked for --> highly recommended for any college-aged students in your world]. I remember reading this book and feeling physically ill. (I know, way to sell my recommended reading list, right?) My heart ached as I begin to realize that I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around the everyday battle that my future husband would face in the battle for sexual purity for the rest of our lives. This book opened my eyes to the fact that females often CANNOT BEGIN TO FATHOM how differently guys are wired physically and how that impacts issues related to intimacy, temptation and sex. This book helped me begin to realize that sex in a marriage cannot be selfishly approached by a female as a "meh, maybe when I feel like it" thing --- it's kind of like food and air for a guy (I know it sounds like an exaggeration, but it's actually not). Girls don't get this. And when females go into selfish mode sexually, it makes warding off temptation even more difficult than it already is for a guy. Take away points: 1) physiology is a more powerful force than I will ever be able to fully appreciate and is a force to be reckoned with, 2) it may be tempting to wear a low cut shirt and think "seriously, it's not that big of a deal - it's a guys responsibility not to let his mind run away from him" but it is a big deal. [philip always tells me that if i could spend 5 minutes in the mind of a guy I would NEVER EVER EVER walk outside wearing less than baggy pants and an over sized turtleneck].
Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. Seriously, my parents have always been light years ahead of their time. My mom scrapbooked religiously in the 80's before it was "cool." My parents also were fans of Dave Ramsey before he became crazy popular (they also "lived like no one else" and didn't do the debt thing decades before that was in vogue too. . .). Philip and I have felt very fortunate to always be very much on the same page financially (no loans, no payments, not buying anything we don't have cash for, sticking with a budget, not letting our financial choices be influenced by what culture says two twentysomething DINKs should have if it's not the wisest use of our money), and I know that has gone a LONG way to mitigating marital strife and stress. The things that mess up marriages? Sex & Money. If you're struggling with the money side of things, I challenge you to give the crazy don't-buy-crap-you-don't-have-money-for approach for a year and see if things start to feel a little less tense between you and your spouse. This Total Money Makeover thing has kind of swept the nation for one reason: IT WORKS.
What are you going to do to really invest in your marriage in 2013? Putting roses that will be wilted next Wednesday on your Visa does not count. Remember, it's like your bank account. You can't put a single deposit in on your wedding day, keep making charges, and expect your balance to stay static. The world we live in is giving you nasty service charges every month, depleting your balance at an alarmingly rapid pace. You need to be making [regular] deposits. Not thinking about making deposits. Actually making them.
1 comment:
WOW! That best sums up this post. Excellent book reviews! I have read all of them except "Every Man's..." and also highly recommend them. Excellent musings on marriage. Excellent challenges for all of us. Good material for the book you will write. By the way, your readers who have read "Five Love Languages" will know that your primary love language is not gifts :) Love to you and Philip during this Valentine's Week (and his birthday week!) Check your mailbox...
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