verde. green means go.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.  My favorite color in the whole wide world is green.  Annnd my enthusiasm for the day about ends there.  I don't like potatoes.  I abhor the taste of alcohol.  So yeah - I don't exactly go wild on this weekend each year. 

This last week was my final spring break *sigh*  I'm sad.  I feel like I need another week.  But then getting back into the real life routine would hurt twice as much.  But still. . .

on the final official spring break of my life I have: finished 1 complicated neuropsychological assessment report, gotten lots of zzzs, eaten pineapple until my mouth hurt, read 1.2 novels just for fun, gotten a few more zzzs, packed 8 ginormous bags with stuff to give away before the move, shredded documents from the last 5 years that I refuse to move, done way too much laundry, made valliant attempts to aid in planning a 10 year high school reunion, posted about 50 books for sale on amazon, worked on organizing a Continuing Education program on licensure and early practice issues coming up in May, had a really helpful/supportive meeting with my dissertation chair about possible posdoc options for me in DC after internship, tweaked a reflection paper, defrosted and scrubbed the freezer, made the final batch of Joy'sspecialrecipe burrito mix to fill the freezer one more time before my better half leaves for the Hindu Kush, and not touched my dissertation. (yeah that last one is kind of a problem. . .)

Since a much of my springbreak was spent in sweatpants and a hoodie, trust me when I assure you that there wasn't much going on that was anything close to being pictureworthy - but I did want to share these shots from last weekend when Philip and I walked around the Mall.

this picture above was taken looking out over the Mall.  it was actually a really cool moment that I don't think I'll ever forget.  I was standing at Philip's side and behind us there was a choir singing beautiful patriotic music.  I was swept up in taking it all in:  the sights, the sounds, the feeling of Philip's hand in mine. . . and then before I knew it the choir started singing the U.S. Air Force song (you know. . . "off we go, into the wild blue yonder. . .") - this was our recessional at our wedding that we exited the chapel to.  It was just really cool reliving a really precious Mr. & Mrs. moment 5+ years later, reflecting on our life in the wild blue yonder. 

I'm looking forward to taking a picture like this in Spring 2014.  We started dreaming of what weekends would look like.  The relief of a return from deployment.  Internship more than half way in the rear view mirror.  Zero academic demands draining weekend schedules and energy.  Sleeping in. Day trips. Lots of walks.  Lots of for-fun reading at Starbucks. Lots and LOTS of Chipotle.  Bliss (don't get me wrong - we are under no illusions that next spring won't be rife with challenging transitions however we are trying to keep the big picture in mind [wecandoanythingforfifteenmonths!!!!] and keep a healthy focus on the sweetness of life reunited rather than being mired down in what will be less-than-ideal about these pages in this chapter of life).  Princeton is a whoooole lot closer than 20+ other options would have been. 

I'm grateful that Philip and I were able to maximize together time (which is slipping through our fingers all too quickly).  We're entering a weird space as he starts to psychological spin up for what awaits him in Afg., as we continue to process the distance, as we make tactical logistical plans for my year in Princeton.  I have waves of jitters and overwhelmingness and just this pleading in my gut of wanting my world to just settle and stop spinning.  But I know it's not the time yet.  I also have waves of incredible peace.  The kind of peace that passes all understanding.  I am so thankful to be wrapped tight in prayer right now and held in God's sovereign grasp. 

Over break I was blog stalking and happened upon this. . .  it really really resonated with me.

 I am on a journey of sorts. In Isaiah it says: "I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name." (45:3)

Our journey . . . has been quite difficult and desperately painful at times and yet we have also felt His tender hand of goodness and love through it all. I am convinced of the truth of this verse above, that God led us into darkness for the purpose of illuminating gifts, treasures, namely Himself, that we would never have found otherwise.

And so on this journey I am learning about who God designed me to be, and to what end I can apply myself to His world.

I am filled with hope and possibility when I think on this very thing...

Hope and possibility.  That is what is at our feet right now.  We have been called by name.  We are having to walk through a pretty dim, somewhat dreary place.  But treasure awaits.  And He will continue to make it obvious that it is His hand that provides, opens doors, closes doors and sustains us when we are in pain and have reached a point of desperation and fatigue where nothing else left to give.  The nothing else left to give place is a horrendous space to be in.  We've spent more time there in the last three years than I could have ever imagined before we left England.  We aren't out of the space yet as we had desperately hoped.  And sometimes that makes me feel sick.  I have already seen the ways the Lord has stretched and grown me (albeit painful) in ways that would not necessarily have been possible if the terrain of our lives suddenly became considerably smoother.  I trust that God will use this next year of our lives to illuminate gifts and reveal Himself in a way that we could not have discovered on the past of least resistance with little strain or challenge.  But let me tell you - it's easy to hold that in a very intellectual space but so incredibly draining in actual practice.  And that's scary and at times feels really overwhelming.  BUT my hope is fixed in and on the One who called me.  The One who has numbered, directed and will be faithful to continue to guide every.single.step.