I have no words.

you have a hurried 45 second conversation with your husband.
you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach.
you check the news.
you try to go back to your day.
you wake up in the middle of the night.
you get the email.
you want to vomit.
you panic.
you cry.
you have a million things to do.
you are paralyzed and can do none of them.
you want to be with the person you love more than anything else on this earth as he does the most difficult thing he has ever done and feels a depth of pain he has never experienced.  but you can't.
you hurriedly snatch all of the black clothes from your closet and throw them in a suitcase.
you will soon come face to face with someone living your worst fear.
you realize how easily this could have been you today.
you feel guilt and sorrow and intense rage.
you want to escape but you can't.
you want to sleep but you can't.
you want to distract yourself but you can't.
you want to live the kind of life you see everyone else living on Facebook and Instagram but you can't.
you want to know what's happening next but you can't.
you want to wake up from the nightmare but you can't.


I have no words.