poetry & perspective

I had a friend recently share with me about a secret, silent battle with food that she had kept secret for years. A few weeks ago, she sent me this incredible poem that she wrote for me. It struck a very truthful cord. It came on a day where I was asking myself, "why for every single day for the last ten years of my life have I had to think about food - I'm tired of how much energy functioning takes. Not being able to see what other people claim to see when I look in the mirror is frustrating and draining. The thought of doing this the rest of my life is exhausting and it isn't fair." I read this poem and was reminded why. I hold the scarf a friend of mine knitted for me each time she was fighting to not go out running while she was battling Anorexia and I know why. I go to work everyday and know why.


Joy

I look in the mirror
And the reflection plays tricks on my eyes
Twisted and deformed
Beauty shattered and fragmented
I can’t seem to see myself
Through the jaded view in my mind
I look at food
And it is a battle of will
But as I stand in the bathroom
With tears streaming down my face
I wonder if it really is something
I can control
I walk to escape the screaming in my mind
That tells me I will never be enough
I am told that I am pretty
That I am beautiful
But they can’t see it
They can’t see what I see
At least that is what my mind says to me
And sometimes it is like an addiction
That seems easier to break
When one is looking from the outside in
One minute I feel triumphant
Over the demons of my past
And the next second I am on my knees
Crying out to God
I don’t understand
Why He chose me
I don’t understand the paths that my feet have walked
I cry out from the depths of my soul
To my Savior
I ask Him to help me stop
I ask Him to bring this torment to and end
But somewhere in the recesses of my soul
I hear Him whisper
I hear Him say that I must fight this battle
Because of the others I will meet along the way
He wants to teach me the compassion and passion
That He has for them
To be able to show them who they are in His eyes and that they are held in His arms
He wants me to be a witness
In a way that only I can do
He doesn’t desire for me to have this struggle
But He does want to use it
He wants to shape me into someone greater than I am
He wants take the pain and the brokenness and the fears
And use them to further His kingdom
Sometimes there is no greater witness to the lost
Than to be lost ourselves
But in these moments
As I look past the reflection of my heart and soul
It seems so hard to listen to His voice
As the mirror talks to me with a voice all its own

* I got my haircut tonight and asked the stylist to straighten it. I love something different. Having straight hair is way too much fun (if only it didn't take an HOUR). I got a few inches cut off but straightened, my hair was as long as it was when I walked in the salon. It was my first overseas haircut (I've always carefully timed getting it cut when I was in the US because of cost). I have never paid more than $20 to have anything done to my hair, so it was a bit painful forking out GBpounds for this one, but it feels MUCH better *