My unruly, crazy head of big, curly hair would have been more appreciated had my high school graduation date been 1983 rather than 2003.
I often think that perhaps my existence as a woman would be more simple had I been raised at a time where I wasn't flooded with the opportunities and expectations that I am now as I find myself pulled between family and career. (though even if I was born in the early part of the 20th century would have likely been the black sheep girl who insisted on pushing her way into medical school or something equally controversial).
If my body and appetite were left to their own devices, I would naturally look a lot more like a 160 pound, voluptuous Marylin Monroe than a 106 pound svelte Kate Moss.
I've always kind of questioned how well I fit in my generation. I seem to have attributes that were more desired in a different time and place.
I was challenged about this at bible study this week. REALLY challenged. Beth Moore discussed relevance and made a statement that really had an impact on me:
I was chosen to be relevant and to have a purpose for THIS generation.
And He [Jesus] went a little beyond them [the disciples], and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not as I will, but as You will." Matthew 26:29
Christ had a specific purpose for his generation. It was fufilled. It could ONLY be fufilled through his death. At the height of his pain and discomfort he asked if the cup could be passed by him if God's purpose could still be fufilled. If the Heavenly father had EVER wanted to "pass a cup", it certainly would have been to spare his only son from the anguish and pain of crucifixion. Yet, it was the. only. way.
I started thinking about my purpose for my generation. It's funny that one of the very things that makes me feel as though I don't belong in my generation has been used to formulate relevance to my purpose. I often have asked, essentially, why God couldn't have allowed the cup to pass in my life (or asked for a DIFFERENT cup!!!) when it comes to the eating and body image stuff. The anguish it has caused has been indescribably horrendous. Yet, if this cup had not been critical to my purpose, He would have let it pass. Instead, the pain has been necessary to my purpose and I needed to endure it so that His purpose could be fufilled. Nothing I am allowed to endure, face or be challenged by is by chance. I was considered. If the cup does not pass. . . it is critical for His purpose.
Now THAT is something for me to think about.
Neurological research shows in the brain activity of someone who has recovered from an eating disorder, even after recovery, is different to someone who has never had Anorexia. The brain's response to the stimuli of food will always be more complicated in someone with an ED history. For the rest of my life, when I encounter food (which happens on a daily basis) my brain is flooded with a myriad of responses that most people don't have to juggle: guilt, pleasure, anticipation, calculation, fear, excitement, hunger. This FASCINATING research by Janet Treasure shows that the father someone gets from their last binge, purge or restriction the more and more this fades - however the blueprint of my brain is permanently altered.
When it comes to body image, I'm like almost all women I know. I have an ideal size (which for me is the smallest I can HEALTHILY be. . . there is zero desire to be underweight. Ew.). Outside of that I have a happy size. Outside of that I have a content size. Outside of that I have a tolerable size. (picture 4 circles, each in side the other, one slightly bigger than the next) My happy and content are probably closer to my "ideal" that most people; I acknowledge that most womens' happy/content/tolerable ranges are probably much more liberal than mine are. (trust me, I wish it were different) I think the major difference is that when most women get outside their tolerable range they can still function reasonably well. The difference with me is that I DON'T function. At all. (Because of this - and other predispositions - I'm probably going to be a shoo-in for postpartum depression ---- not excited about that). I spent most of 2000, 2001, 2002 and part of 2003 not functioning. It was horrible. I'm grateful that the Lord has brought me out of that place and I'm confident that He will keep me safe for the rest of my life, however the reality is that this is my cup. The ED cup has passed, but there's definitely a chaser that has followed. . . I don't talk about it lots. I just accept it and focus on being grateful for having more normalcy than I could have EVER hoped for. But having a distorted body image gets OLD. . . reeeeally old. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm huge. I'm happy with my size, but I feel like I am on a bit of a tightrope as I know how I fall apart when I don't feel that way.
It has not been a fun cup. It has not been a comfortable cup. It has not been a cup that has ever been able to disappear with some magical medical intervention. It's been frustrating and painful
But I'm comforted that this cup was carefully considered by my Father. This cup is what I've had to bare for HIS purpose to be accomplished in my world. If there had been a way with fewer tears, less self loathing, less pain for my parents. . . life would have gone THAT way, but this is the way it needed to go in order for me to do what I do today.
I was not meant to have smooth, straight hair. I was not meant to enter the world at a time where it was a given that I would get married at 19 and start having children right away. I was never meant to be naturally tiny with a crazy overzealous metabolism that allowed me to eat anything and everything.
I was meant to be born at 5:32 am on May 3, 1985. And everything about me was carefully considered and calculated. . . for such a time as this.
2 comments:
Very true and good reminders, Joy. I've thought this way before too. And it's wonderful to be reminded that we're made just the way He wanted us to be made - knowing all the insecurities that we would have. He wants our best...
"Preach it, sister!!" I was picturing you "preaching" the sermon you just wrote in your blog, and I was in the congregation, and just made the above declaration (well, maybe, not among the stoic Germans and Scandinavians of west central Minnesota - maybe in a different setting). Anyway, once again, I appreciated your insight. When you talked about Jesus asking if the cup could somehow pass, I guess I have never thought about how in a moment in time God the Father could have wished for the same thing, yet realizing that Jesus' purpose in the big plan would not have been fulfilled.
I went to a "Bridging the Gap" Women's Conference yesterday. Mary Beth Chapman was a speaker, and as she talked about the loss of their adopted daughter, she said that she (like all of us) has been entrusted with a story. She said that this particular chapter was one she didn't want, but went on to tell how God is helping their family through it. She told the story of finding one of her other daughters crying recently, and the daughter asked, "Why do we have to 'do hard'?" She answered, "Because God has asked us to do hard."
Another speaker, Dr. Brenda Salter-McNeil, was also excellent. She said God is raising up a generation of women around the world who are being called to be healers. I thought of you, dear Joy. God made you in just the right way, and will be putting you in all the right places.
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