[temporary] home

In a military community one often is asked about where he or she is from.  I never quite know how to answer that question.  I'm not even clear about what my state of residence is anymore when I file taxes!   As I have accepted the transient reality of our family's circumstances, this notion of "home" has become kind of complicated.

There are cheese phrases like "home is where the Air Force sends us" that could offer an explaination to the somewhat complicated question.  At times, I've said that my home is where my husband is.  Well, what about when my husband is gone for a year to a part of the world that is not safe for me to accompany him to.  That doesn't really work either. 

At the end of the day home is not a house.
It is not a single place.  In fact, I'm not even sure it's really a place at all.
I have concluded that home is more of a feeling than a destination.

Home is familiar.  Home is safe.  Home is comfortable.  Home is what you know.  Home is void of the uneasy, scary "newness" that comes when you arrive someplace. 

My home is Minnesota.  Grove City.  Cosmos.  St. Paul.  Roseville.  Mounds View. MSP.
Home is Colorado.  Superior.  Broofield.  Boulder.  CU. DIA.
The United States is home.  The midwest is home.
England will always feel like home.  Mildenhall.  Cambridge.  Norwich.  Lakenheath.  Barton Mills.  London. Heathrow. Stansted.

These places are my home.  I can be on autopilot.  I don't have to think.  I can just go.  And be.  I don't feel out of place.  I know where to go to get what I need.  I feel safe in these places.

I know that in several months DC and Virginia will be added to my home list.  But on this, my last night in a familiar place for awhile, there's part of me that's dreading the newness.  I want to take someone, something familiar with me.  I don't want to worry about finding the closest metro station or how I'm going to get there or how I'm going to afford to park there or how I'm going to get a bike to ride there.  I want to know which grocery store I will frequent.  I want to walk into a church on a Sunday and feel like I'm surrounded by people who "get" me.

I'm ready for the next thing.  I have been for awhile.  The timing is right.  I'm desperate for routine back into my life, but I'd be hiding behind a brave face if I didn't say that I was scared, worried and feeling kind of alone as I step into the next chapter.  I'm so grateful that I'll be with the Allens, but I cannot put into words how desperate I am to establish a home with my husband again.   A space that is ours.  A space that is safe.  A space that is shared again.

I'm excited about school, but I can tell you that I still have that "first day of school" feeling.  I've never wanted a first day of school more than I have what is awaiting me at the end of this week, but it's still unnerving.  I'm probably feeling a lot of the things that a lot of college freshman are right now.  I'm afraid to be separated from family.  I'm a bit overhwhelmed at starting with a clean slate in life again.  Reestablishing who I am and what is the new normal is a big ask. 

The thing is, for the rest of my life I'm going to have this nagging, not-completely-at-ease feeling.  Not because I'm a military spouse and my husband's job will require me to uproot all that I know and move every three years.  I could live one place for the next fifty years of my life and never actually feel completely at home.  I never have.  I never will.  And that's okay. 

Home is not a place on earth.  Home will be the feeling of being in my Heavenly Father's Arms.  The place I was ultimately created for.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21


"For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly await for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ."  Philippians 3:20

"All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. . .  they desired a better home, that is, a heavenly one.  There for God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a place for them."  Hebrews 11:13, 16

The truth is, as soon as we start feeling too comfortable in our own world there's probably a problem. . .

I don't think Carrie Underwood fully understood the magnitude of the truth of her words when she wrote this song. . .

This is our temporary home.
It's not where we belong.
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home
 
I begin the next thing tomorrow morning.  The journey that will be the next four years of my life starts when I leave what is comfortable at precisely 7:00 am.