love languages

Last night, I got to chat with Josh about what he's been doing at Focus the last couple of weeks.  I was aware that  they've been going through the marriage and family section of the curriculum, so I quizzed him about that.  One of the things that he mentioned was a discussion on love languages.  For those of you who aren't familiar with the popular Gary Chapman book, he has broken down how people communicate "love" and appreciation (both how we show it and how we prefer to receive it).  The five areas are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. . .

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.


Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.


Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.


Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.


Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

It's important to understand which language your significant other uses to hear "I love you.  I care about you.  I value you."  I think a lot of times, a bit like some people give material gifts, we try to express our love in the manner in which we desire for it to be communicated to our own selves.  This can be problematic if the exchange actually needs to happens in different "currency" in order for the other person to feel valued.
 
I laughed to myself on my walk home from church today thinking about what Philip and I say about our love languages.  I thought, "I need to email that to Josh" but then decided I'd share it with everyone because I do think it is somewhat comical. . .
 
Growing up, I think that I would have fallen into to the "gifts" category.  This has changed for me (thankfully) because Philip is not a gifty person.  I grew up where gifts and grandeur in celebration of holidays were a really big deal.  When we got married there was kind of a merging of family tradition and expectations.  I no longer function in the currency of gifts like I did when I was a little girl (in fact the best thing to do is to give me a gift card because I'm so darn picky).  No ,Philip will tell you that  my love language is most certainly now acts of service.   Primarily CLEANING acts of service (washing dishes & cleaning kitchen are the real sure-fire way to MELT MY HEART like butter). 
 
So while my husband is off the hook for all holidays when it comes to gifts, flowers, cards or other cliche type things that most men feel pressure to provide,  it means that in everyday life he has to WORK to really communicate love.  He does not think this is entirely fair as his love language is primarily physical touch.  So, while he has to scrub dishes - I get the same effect from giving a hug,  kiss, and/or take off an article of clothing or two.  I've definitely got the better (or at least easier, less taxing) end of this deal, wouldn't you say?   
 
We joke that if he knew the extent to which acts of service was my love language before we got married, he may have reconsidered. . .   Sometimes he will try really hard to evoke the same reaction in me that I would get by taking off a shirt or giving a kiss, but I laugh and remind him it'll take more than a clothing article on the floor or peck on the cheek to make me swoon.  Now if we're talking a back massage, this may be another matter.  However, I think that being a masseuse feels more like performing an act of service in the eyes my poor husband, so really, we're back to square one.

* I must qualify that hiring someone else to do the cleaning (or back rubbing) still counts as communicating love to me loud and clear *