On year ago, Philip and I were enjoying some time in the BEAUTIFUL Bavarian region of Germany and the Austrian Alps. He was there on a work conference and I went to join him for the weekend. I remember the weekend well. It was the weekend I filled out my GWU application. I was so excited. I had just gotten the last of my reccomendation letters. While Philip was in his conference, I busied myself with writing essays and drooling over the GWU PsyD website.
It was a hard weekend. Not dissimilar to last night. There were tears as we talked about the struggle that added distance and time apart would be and the feelings of frustration that came with that. I remember feeling anguished and saying, "okay God, if this is supposed to happen I trust you to bring Philip to a place of being okay with it. . ." Amazingly, when we saw each other in February he was in a completely different mindset and 100% on board with my pursuing the opportunity (I applied end of Nov but didn't hear about the interview until February).Recently, as my anxiety as peaked about various academic matters I have reminded myself that I've arrived. I'm in the middle of the dream. I'm here. No more anxiety about getting in or assignment. I'm anxiety prone. There will always be things to obsess about. I'm just working to sit back and trust so that I can enjoy as much as I can. I'm realizing that I'm having to kind of create an emotional barracade as there are some people in the academic setting that are burning bushes of anxiety walking around infecting everyone who gets too close and allows themseves to become containers for that anxiety. I have enough problems with my own tendency to freak out without having to take on other peoples' neuroses!
Lately, I've been thinking of the hundreds of students who are in the same position I was in a year ago. . . waiting. . . hoping. . . wishing. . . I have to admit, I'm looking forward to helping out w/ interview weekends and being able to relish in the fact that I don't have to deal with that traumatic/stressful situation again! Not that I will never face another traumatic/stressful situation. . . I'm just glad I don't have to relive that exact one. . .
So that question is, knowing now is there something I wish I could tell the November 2009 version of myself.
To be honest, I'm not sure there is. I knew 2010 was going to be difficult. I didn't need any kind of warning. It was a hard hard year. The school stuff, assignment stuff, deployment. . . but I recognize that I needed to walk through all of that - as trecherous as it felt at times - to get to where I'm standing now. Yes, there were many days I wish I could have fast forwarded, but it was a neccessary journey. Seeing something as crazy miraculous as having the Andrews assignment orchestrated was one of the biggest things I've ever witnessed. It is a huge rememberance stone of God's faithfulness, but I know I had to go through the pain and waiting to get the rock at the end (kind of like courtship and engagment. . . ;)
I've learned a lot this last year. I learned an important (but difficulty) lesson from a colleague in England about the importance of my being transparent in relationships instead of acting like things are "fine". That's been huge and something that I've been able to transfer to real life in recent months as I've really tried to be more of a congruent person. There are things I may have done slightly differently this last year but I can't say that I have any major regrets. I wonder what I will be thinking 365 days ago that I wish I had known today. . . I'll just have to learn the hard way I guess. . .
Things I didn't know one year ago that I'm so glad I got to find out. . .
* that Gidlows would become my deployment family and some of the people I became and stayed closest to from the entire Mildenhall assignment
* that moving to Beck Row base housing was the BEST thing we could have done last fall
* how much I love the Chin family
* that my first Christmas having Philip w/ my family was wonderful
* seeing patient progress I never dreamed possible. . .
* what an good friend match Miriam and I are
* that I really can do the deployment thing just fine
* that the generoisty of the Cimbura family is amazing
* that seeing Phanotm of the Opera and tea at the Ritz w/ my mother-i-l was an incredibe way to celebrate turning 25
* that I can manage getting the MOT repairs made myself
* that I can deal with the jungle that is the finance office as a dependent
* that I would cross the MA finish line even though my job and supervisor kept switching
* that England really became my home
* how amazing taking class at Cambridge would be
* that I could live with friends for two months without driving them clinically insane or butchering our relationship
* that Stacey Manske rocks my world and if I'm ever "The Commander's Wife" I hope that I can do have as good of a job as she does
* that April Whatley will always be my "military wife" reference point who I can go to first with questions and that Col Whatley will treat me like one of his daughters when I need taking care of
* that our Journey Group friends will have left an incredible impact on us. . . so much so that I want to cry right now because I miss that group so much
* that I would reach a point of buying 50% of my groceries on the economy in England that I'd really miss it. . .
* what a RELIEF it is to live at the same address as my husband after 11 months. . .
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