6.6.44 ---> 6.6.10

A year ago today Philip & I were in Normandy, Frace (okay, techincally we were making the journey back to the UK with our beloved Matt & Jana. . .).  I will never forget that weekend.  Never will 6 June be the same to me.  For the rest of my life the images of the beaches of Normandy will be seared in my memory.  If Philip was home right now, I would imagine we would have sat down and watched "Saving Private Ryan".  Maybe that can be our new D-Day rememberance ritural for the years when we're actually together.

I miss Philip.  A lot.  I think we both expected things to be easier by this point in the deployment, but the truth is they aren't.  Yes, we're in our separate routines.  But were sick of them being precisely that:  separate.

The added anguish of all of this assignment stuff has really made the last several weeks rough.  I'm battling so many emotions right now as we are in the "today might be the day we find out" stage of finding out if we'll be stationed in DC (this could last for 7 days. . . it could last for 7 more weeks. . .).  This last week has been particularly difficult for me because I've been having interaction and getting to know all of my would-be classmates (they started a google group and everyone has made intros. . .)  The experiences of the group of individuals is are so diverse and interesting. Journeying the next four years with these people would be incredible.  I'm honored to be a part of this group.  Yet, I try to guard myself from really allowing myself to be part of it until I know I will be a few months from now.  I wanted to hold off on introduction, but everyone else sent out and email to the group so I felt like I needed to.  I refuse to let myself join the fb group or add "GWU 2014" to my proflile until I know for sure I can go (because really, facebook is where things really become official. . .).  My advisor asked me directly about Philip's assignment and I'm just kind of trying to dodge and delay any further correspondence until I know anything which is a bit awkward. . .  Class registration will be in a few weeks. . .

It's so hard for Philip.  The other night we were on the phone, and I just broke down in tears. He's sick of the distance.  He's having a hard time with my stress about the whole thing.  He's as ready to "know" as I am. . . simply for my sake.  In recent days I find myself grappling with such an overwhelming twister of emotions:  primarily guilt (why do I have to want this so bad?  how horrible and selfish of a wife am I if we actually entertain some kind of distance situation that would enable to me to go even if we don't get a DC slot?  we're only 6 months into 9 of this separation and it feels bad enough how could i elect for anymore? can we justify distance if he's actually going to be deployed 2/3 of the next assignment anyway - but what if he's not and this assumption is incorrect?), fear (how will I handle God's answer being "absolutely not"?  are we supposed to start trying to have kids if I don't go to school?  i'm not feeling it right now, neither is philip), confusion (if we don't get dc, do we consider distance if we're on the east coast?  if we don't get dc initially is that a no or does it mean that we go to the chain of command to see what they can do to change it?  is changing it possible?  at what point do we have to say, "We're doing this and  I will be moving to DC in August." or "I am not doing this and need to inform the university that I definitely won't be coming.") desire (the more I know about my classmates and the program, the more close it feels and the more I want it to be real).  

 For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.  2 Timothy 1:7

I will always choose my marriage first.  There's no fear in my heart or mind about any school decision somehow adversely affecting or unraveling the union I share with Philip.  Yet, I never anticipated that we would have to make a decision like this.  I never had any idea that I would develop feelings so strong about anything as I have about this degree (and poor Philip never had any clue we'd be where we are today - - - the unspoken assumption is that at the end of this assignment we'd go back to the US and be excited about trying to start having a family). 

Undoubtedly, this education palava would never even come close of contending with my feelings that have existed for years about being the wife of Philip Lere (EVER!).  No questions asked if given a choice between Philip+military life or education being a priority in my life, it would be Philip+military life every time. The reason GW is such a draw for me is that it is one of the few programs that would allow us to have Philip+Joytogether, military life + education.  If we were going to have to be be apart I'd elect to go to a Psy.D. program at Rosemead or Wheaton - but I've made it VERY clear that this is NOT AT ALL what I want because I love military life and would not at all be comfortable/okay/at peace about us leaving the military so that I could pursue a top choice school.  THUS, my first choice is the school that would (have) allow us to be together, continue in the military and give me an excellent education:  GW. 

YET,  when I'm honest I'm scared that I won't be able to have my cake and eat it to and that God will hand me the answer: Philip+military life without the educational opportunity right now.  I'm freaking out as we dabble in discussions of distance --- is considering any option other than a DC assignment actually putting education before the relationship, aside from Christ, that I hold the most dear or is that being realistic about give-and-take short term sacrifices for a time-limited period in response to the complication and challenge of military family life???  I pray that this is not a choice we have to make  (and am trying to steer conversation and thought away from this horrible bridge unless we absolutely have to cross it) as it makes me literally sick to my stomach every time Philip utters the words in desperation "well, maybe you just need to go no matter what".  I ask that it will be very clear in the coming weeks how we are to proceed.

I'm struggling because I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job in trusting and resting in God's soverignty and promises.  There are moment when my heart really can truly rest in what my head knows, but there are more moments than I care to admit when there's a big disconnect.  I know I will get the best even if I don't understand it, but the truth is that it's still hard when I know that the best may not be anything close to what I want (I've no joke recently had nightmares about being stationed in Minot, ND. . . my father's dream come true: )  I really swing between being able to honestly pray "Lord give me peace about your plan" and "Lord, please allow DC to work out".  I wish that I could sit here saying that my heart always cried out the former plea.

On a brighter note. . . Josh is in Colorado Springs, starting to settle at Focus.  Reading his emails the last couple of days has me SO SO SO excited for him.  His experience will be very different from mine - but the same God who met me in that place during a critical juncture in my life five summers ago is in that same place with my brother this summer.  I'm missing Colorado right now.  I really wanted to be in CoS this weekend as there was a findingbalance "Hungry for Hope" conference that would have been amazing to attend AND I'd love to see my brother, Focus and my inlaws. . . alas, international flights are still not free, so I'm still on this side of the ocean.

Enjoyed a "chill and chore" Sunday today as I worked an overtime late shift yesterday evening. This morning I went to church (but got there 7 minutes late as I didn't have a SINGLE HAIR BINDER IN THE ENTIRE HOUSE. . . ugh).  Went to commissary, BX and got petrol.  Cleaned the kitchen.  Did laundry.  And relished in the fact that after those duties were complete that I didn't have to study - instead I got to take a long, glorious nap and watch ER.

Praying for Philip as he hasn't had a single day off in quite awhile and has seven more to get through until he'll have any kind of rest/recharge day.  He's working so. freaking. hard.  (in some CRAAAZY heat --- 120 degrees this week and "it's not July yet" . . . wow, I respect that man)

*originally wrote this post on Sunday - Monday alteration. . . this Sara Groves song has been going through my head all morning. . . it's all going to be alright*

Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in
awe of the mystery of his perfect ways
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain he did
not recycle to bring me gain. I can't
remember one single regret in serving
God only and trusting his hand 

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me 

This is my anthem, this is my song, the
theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end. 

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me