Bad day. Really really bad day. this friday = 5 mondays of horribleness (though praise the Lord not due to bad assignment news)
I feel like I have nothing left to give the world. I'm dried up and am really really scared that the end of the desert still isn't anywhere on the horizion. I realized that some of what the Lord has been doing in my life is absolutely shattering my pride to smitherines. That can really be exhausting. Today it sure was.
I had a feeling that today may be a challenging day this morning when I was dropping a guest off at her next destination (on an annoyingly tiny English road) and a van barreled by me and smacked the mirror on the outside of the car at just the right angle to shatter the mirror. Mind you, this was the vehicle I'm BORROWING. Grrrreat. I felt AWFUL.
I kept reminding myself it could have been much worse. MUCH MUCH worse. I drove straight to the garage that is (still) fixing our car and asked them to order a replacement for the mirror.
Back on the road. I wasn't going to let it ruin what was actually slated to be a very good day.
Try though I did to be positive, I was in floods of tears by mid-day. VERY difficult day at work. I feel so emotionally exhausted right now. AND I'm getting up at 5:30 in the morning to go BACK into work.
I just have this fear that this valley it feels as though I've been walking through isn't going to end anytime soon. Will my "assignment" in the desert be extended next with the news that we won't be going to DC?
I want to see an end. An end to this deployment and separation. An end to work. An end to this chapter. Instead, I feel like I'm on "indefinite" status (military terms for "no set time for leaving" somewhere). I'm going to be sad when work and England end, but things have been so hard lately I feel like I just need a closing to be working toward (or to know what that end is). And as much as I want an end, I'm also scared about what that end could possibly be. Yes, it would be wonderful to know "I'm leaving the UK in 6 weeks to go to DC." But I'm realistic enough to know that life may feel more painful than it does now if I know "I'm leaving the UK in 5 months to go to somewhereIcan'tgotoschool."
No, my prayer is not to get what I want. As scared as I am of anything other than DC, I'm relieved that if DC isn't supposed to happen it won't and the Lord will protect me from that (it's a bit like patients feeling safer when we as staff assert boundaries). I don't doubt His goodness an know that whatever happens will happen out of love and I'm SO SO SO grateful for that. But I know that it's just plain going to hurt and be dissapointing if I can't go to DC. Hard for me which will be even harder for Philip which I REALLY don't want. Ugh. My poor husband right now. I don't know what I did to deserve someone to put up with me and love me in the state that I am currently in.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I want my family. I want everyone to stop leaving me. I want my husband home.
"though the sorrow may last through the night time, joy cometh in the morning" (Psalm 30:5 - the bible verse I was named after) - I'm going to bed. Hopefully it'll make the joy come sooner.
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Joy, come over, hop on my lap...let's read a book together: "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" by Judith Viorst.
"I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. At breakfast Anthony found a Corvette Sting Ray car kit in his breakfast cereal box and Nick found a Junior Undercover Agent code ring in his breakfast cereal box but in my breakfast cereral box all I found was breakfast cereal. I think I'll move to Australia.
In the car pool Mrs. Gibson let Becky have a seat by the window. Audrey and Elliott got seats by the window too. I said I was being scrunched. I said I was being smushed. I said, if I don't get a seat by the window I am going to be carsick. No one even asnswered. I could tell it was going to be a t, h, ng, very bad day.
At school Mrs. Dickens liked Pauls's picture of the sailboat better than my picture of the invisible castle. At singing time she said I sang too loud. At counting time she said I left out sixteen.. Who needs sixteen? I could tell it was going to be a t, h, ng, very bad day.
End of part 1
part 2
I could tell because Paul said I wasn't his best friend anymore. He said that Philip Parker was his best friend and that Albert Moyo was his next best friend and that I was only his third best friend. I hope you sit on a tack, I said to Paul. I hope the next time you get a double-decker strawberry ice-cream cone the ice cream part falls off the cone part and lands in Australia...There were two cupcakes in Philip Parker's lunch bag and Albert got a Hershey bar with almonds and Paul's mother gave him a piece of jelly roll that had little coconut sprinkles on the top. Guess whose mother forgot to put in dessert? It was a t, h, ng, very bad day.
end of part 2
part 3
That's what it was, because after school my mom took us all to the dentist and Dr. Fields found a cavity just in me. Come back next week and I'll fix it, said Dr. Fields. Next week, I said, I'm going to Australia.
On the way downstairs the elevator door closed on my foot and while we were waiting for my mom to go get the car Anthony made me fall where it was muddy and then when I started crying because of the mud Nick said I was a crybaby and while I was punching Nick for saying crybaby my mom came back with the car and scolded me for being muddy and fighting. I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. No one even answered.
So then we went to the shoestore to buy some sneakers. Anthony chose white ones with blue stripes. Nick chose red ones with white stripes. I chose blue ones with red stripes but then the shoe man said, We're all sold out. They made me buy plain old white ones, but they can't make me wear them.
end of part 3
part 4
When we picked up my dad at his office he said I couldn't play with his copying machine, but I forgot. He also said to watch out for the books on his desk, and I was careful as could be except for my elbow. He also said don't fool around with his phone, but I think I called Australia. My dad said please don't pick him up anymore. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. There were lima beans for dinner and I hate limas. There was kissing on TV and I hate kissing. My bath was too hot, I got soap in my eyes, my marble went down the drain, and I had to wear my railroad-train pajamas. I hate my railroad-train pajamas.
When I went to bed Nick took back the pillow he said I could keep and the Mickey Mouse night light burned out and I bit my tongue. The cat wants to sleep with Anthony, not with me. It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
My mom says some days are like that.
Even in Australia.
When does joy come?
From Psalm 16:
"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right ahand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure.....You have made know to me the path of life; you will fill me with JOY in yhour presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
From From Psalm 21:6
"Surely you have granted him eternal blessings aand made him glad with the JOY of your presence."
Song suggestion - go to YouTube and search for In Your Presence + Jason Upton
Oh sweetie. I know your loneliness and pain and exhaustion. Deployments are AWFUL!!! And you're going through one much longer than I ever have. I will pray for you when you come to mind - that God will satisfy every need and hold you close.
I love you mummy.
(and jenny)
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