released.

I've let go of it.

Completely.

For the first time since the GW seed sprouted in my mind, I've let go.  I can hand-on-heart say tonight that if we don't get a DC compatible assignment that I will be just fine.  I'm not even secretly hoping deep down that God hears me say that and will give me a "yes" now that I have come to grips with a "no".  I'm finally, after an EXHAUSTING 8 months, 100% at peace with a "no" to DC.

The last couple of weeks I've been more settled about it than I have been, however the Lord gave me an incredible gift tonight that really sealed the deal.  I have discovered a Ph.D. program that I can do next assignment regardless of where we are stationed.   It would be in social work, but I could deal with that. 

My friend Suzie (Cambridge classmate and fellow break-the-mold-want-a-doctorate military wife Suzie) is getting ready to move in a few weeks.  I went over to her house tonight for dinner and she shared her exciting discovery with me.  She had resigned herself to the fact that she wouldn't be able to start a doctoral program until after her husband had retired and was getting ready to do an MA while they were in San Antonio.  She has been in dialogue with one of our Cambridge profs and a connection that this professor has and they said straight out, "girl, you need to do the Ph.D.  don't waste your time with the MA.  you're young, you want it, there's no better time in your life than to do it NOW".  It turns out that the Alma matter of our Cambridge prof has a Ph.D. program that is 3 summers in residence in Boston and Sept-May for two years is your internship/clinical experience that is set up at various places across the country.  I have to say than 10 weeks away away from Philip each year sounds MUCH BETTER than some of the alternatives we've talked about to make GWU work - and considering he'd probably be deployed for at least one of the summers anyway - not too shabby for the Leres!

If GWU isn't the best program for me, the Lord will shield me from that, and I have to trust that He will give me something BETTER in its place.  If GWU is the right place for me, we will soon learn that we are going to be in the DC area (and it was ONLY the hand of God that could have aligned things as such with admission, acceptance AND assignment).

It doesn't feel like GWU or nothing any more like it has from the ominous day we got the list of possible assignments.  I've always really felt that this crazy thing I have for getting my doctorate isn't something that the Lord has allowed to tease or torture me (trust me I've prayed that if I can't have it to just TAKE IT AWAY!).  I struggle to think that the desire is a dangling carrot I can never have (unless I'm willing to be away from my spouse - but that doesn't sound like God's plan either!).  This may work out much differently than I've been picturing or expecting, but it looks like it just may work out. . . obviously nothing is for sure, admission to Smith isn't guaranteed, but there is now an alternative - more than I've felt I've had in a looooong time.

So now I'm not so scared about assignment news. . . just excited to start looking at jobs/houses wherever we go next.  It's not going to be good news or bad news.  Just news.  (though I'm still freaked out about having to back out of GWU last minute!) Don't get me wrong.  I'm ready to know.  And if school in Boston is going to be the way to go than I'll feel much better post application / acceptance (that process is always a lot of work!!!) 

AND if I'm not leaving for DC this summer, it's time to start planning a crazy lot of traveling between Sepetmber and November for Philip & Joy!!!!

I have found rest.  Philip will be so relieved.